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Archive for the ‘recovery’ Category

STITCHING!

As you know, the past year has not been very productive for me, at least, needlewise. Because of my state of being and events, it was almost impossible for me to use a needle.

It was January 2011 that Ernie moved to RGT (assisted living). During the week prior, I managed to make fabric cards for Ara and Ola and I danced at their party.

In April I collected myself enough to embellish grandson Josh’s jacket as a gift for his graduation.

In May I created Tangie’s bag.

In July I designed a needlebook cover and I pieced two crazy quilt blocks but I was unable to work on them during the process of moving to Vashon. I was too distraught, too overwhelmed–emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Finally, in October, after I’d gotten my new digs somewhat organized, I finished the needlebook cover.

In November I made a card case for DIL Carol.

And in December I finished embellishing one of the CQ blocks. Here are both of them on my portable design board at my makeshift work place.

I’m still working on the one on the left. Don’t yet know what I’ll do with them. Put them in a drawer with other studies? They were only intended as busy work. (The pattern is from Allie Aller’s Crazy Quilting.)

Meanwhile, I signed up for two online challenges–TAST 2012 and the Crazy Quilt Journal Project. I was hoping they would help overcome the inertia or whatever it was that was keeping me from routinely stitching.

From a stack of white and off-white silk fabrics, I pieced the first block for CQJP, which I intended to use as a sampler or showcase for TAST stitches. Even though I was feeling rotten, I made myself work the first two stitches on the block, with this result.

I had done a trial of the nested fly stitches (on the middle seam) on an evenweave doodlecloth and thought that, if I marked the spaces between the diamonds, I could do the same pattern here. Not acceptable. The next day, I unstitched that seam and started over. Here are the seam treatments using TAST Weeks 1 and 2 stitches–fly stitch and buttonhole stitch.

Better. (But the camera is cruel.)

I worked buttonhole stitch over white sequins with silk buttonhole twist thread and added tiny beads. The fly stitches are in #8 pearl cotton and a fine wool yarn. The buttonhole and fly stitches on the lower seam are also in that fine wool.

So far, though it’s a struggle, I’m keeping up.

Now, back to the question, the larger, existential question, “What am I doing here?” I mean, why am I here? For what purpose?

I thought I was coming here so that I could fully recover and so that I could be helpful to my family. I came because son Geoff invited me, saying that I didn’t have to live out my life in misery at Charlestown. He would help and take care of me as needed if I were here. I knew daughter Nan felt the same way. Ernie also wanted me to be where I could live a satisfying, productive life.

I arrived expecting to feel instantly well. I plunged into the activities available to me here–joining Vashon Allied Arts and the athletic club, subscribing to concert and lecture series, going on tours, participating in family gatherings and just hanging out with them; and I felt worse and worse. As you know, I felt so bad that I was willing to try Chinese herbal medicine treatment.

By the end of December I knew that I had to put myself back into seclusion. It became clear to me that silence and solitude were what I needed to recover from the past two years, which have been traumatic. Instead of family and fun, I need rest and being alone.

At Charlestown I could not have solitude and silence. I was living in a community where I had to be out and about. I had to go be with Ernie at RGT every day. And my ADHD wouldn’t let me just stay at home quietly. Am I here so that I can have silence and solitude? It’s what I want and couldn’t have before I got here.

When I recovered in 2009, I regained functionality and lost contentment. I was no longer able to sit in meditation, read, and stitch–those aspects of my life that give me greatest satisfaction. Since I’ve been here, my ADHD and related symptoms have almost gone. I’ve read 14 books and, as you’ve just seen, I’ve been stitching. But being around people is another thing. I feel scared and nervous–like bad stage-fright. And I am not a fearful person. Being with people greatly exacerbates my insomnia. Only being in silence and solitude can I feel calm and well.

I don’t know how long this will last. I think I did not allow for the accumulated effect of the past months, the stress I’ve been under. Maybe I will soon be just fine anywhere. Or maybe I’m here so that I can live in silence and solitude.

I’ve come to the right place, here in the forest. And Nature piled on.

I’ve been snowed in since Sunday. Not going anywhere.

Yesterday at around 5:30 p.m. the power went out. I spent last evening in front of the little propane stove in the darkness,

resting, eating a hard-boiled egg sandwich, and occasionally reading by candlelight. Without power, it was utterly silent. I was alone and at peace.

Is that what I’m supposed to be doing here?

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Before I get into the WIP, here’s a work completed.

Card case

I made this business card case for my daughter-in-law Carol, using the logo on her card for the design,

006

Carol is a licensed massage therapist and she creates organic body care products. I use her lavender mist at bedtime, spraying it just above my head and inhaling the lavender fragrance as it descends (for sweet dreams).

After resizing the hummingbird on my computer, I transferred the design to ultrasuede using tissue paper. Except for the brown stem, it is all single-strand cotton floss chain-stitched.

Carol came for tea today and I gave it to her, so I can finally show you.

Back to WIP. Full recovery is still work in progress. As you know, I went to a Chinese herbalist last week and I was given an herbal formulation for sleep. It worsened my insomnia and made me feel sick when I woke up. After four days, I called the clinician and told her about my experience. She spoke with the doctor. When she came back to the phone, she told me to discontinue the herbal formulation (which I had already told her I was doing) and to return to the full dosage of my sleep medications. She said I should talk to my medical doctor about getting off them (which I have already done).

Then she said that my response to the herbs showed that I don’t have the ordinary or usual insomnia. Something else is going on. Well, Western doctors have been telling me that for 30 years. Now an Eastern medical practitioner tells me this. Maybe she can figure out what’s going on, but I’m not going back to Bastyr to give her the chance. I don’t want to risk taking something that makes me feel worse, and I don’t want to spend $50/week plus gas for treatment that may or may not work.

I’m going to continue with my regimen of self-care. I’m feeling much better than I was a few weeks ago.

Evidence of progress– I’m back to stitching.

In July I pieced two 8” square blocks and assembled threads to add to my traveling kit. I was unable to work on those projects until last month, when I finished my needlebook. Here’s one of the blocks, with seam treatments finished, I think. It took me two weeks, able to work only minutes at a time, just to do these seams. But toward the end, I got absorbed and worked more than an hour a couple of days.

Seam treatments 2

Here’s a closer look.

Closer look

Now I’m seeking inspiration for motifs to add to the blocks.

It feels good to be working again, and to be having ideas for things to make. I am a work in progress.

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Last Friday I drove off-island by myself for the first time, into Seattle. I drove on to the ferry, off the ferry, and headed north to Bastyr Center for Natural Health. Coming back, I arrived at the dock just in time to drive on to the ferry, though I was in the wrong lane for Vashon. I excused myself to the staffer, “This is my first time.”

So many firsts in 2010 and 2011.

It felt great to be driving for more than five miles at more than 25 mph, though it was no more than 40 mph most of the way to my destination. I was surprised by how liberating it felt. I wanted to go 70 mph and keep going. Since moving here in September, I’ve just driven the same route to the athletic club, my son’s home, and uptown–the same five miles and rarely anywhere else. I didn’t realize how constraining that has been until I got off-island.

Now, what was I doing at the Bastyr Center? I was consulting with Chinese herbal medicine clinicians about my ongoing insomnia and ADHD. Another first. I’ve not been treated with Chinese herbal medicine before, though I know a little bit about Chinese theory of health. Both my DIL Carol and my granddaughter-in-law Lauryth have been successfully treated at Bastyr’s Chinese herbal medicine clinic, so I decided to try it.

The consultation took an hour with two graduate student practitioners. Their supervising doctor joined us for a while and examined me–my pulses, my tongue, and especially my hands, explaining to the students what she saw there, what to look for. She asked me several questions and she wrote prescriptions for two herbal formulations. I waited while they were prepared at the dispensary.

Sorry about the poor photo quality. My desktop computer is in the shop and I don’t have Photoshop on my laptop. The little spoon measures one gram of the granules, which I dissolve in a few ounces of warm water and gulp down. One formulation is taken in the morning and the other at bedtime. Next Friday I go back to report on my experience with them.

Giving me instructions, the senior student said, “If you feel too sleepy…..” TOO SLEEPY? I haven’t felt sleepy in 20-some years. I take drugs, lie down wide awake, and at some point I go to sleep, without ever feeling drowsy.

I’m still up for new experiences, ready to experiment.

My whole life has been experimental. I have never felt that I failed, because whatever I did was an experiment and whatever the outcome, how else would I know?

So, more experimenting: 1) will Chinese herbal medicine work for me?

And 2) can I get back to regular stitching? I’ve just signed up for TAST 2012. A few days ago I signed up for CQJP–a challenge to create a 6″ crazy quilt block each month in 2012. TAST should help me do that–ideas for seam treatments coming from the weekly stitches.

Can I do it? We’ll see.

You may remember my post about the importance of being organized. Well, I realized that one factor in my stitcher’s block might be my lack of a familiar, organized stitching place. I remedied that on Saturday by making a temporary set-up and moving my threads and other supplies closer to it. I had to move three lamps from their previous locations to get better light for stitching, and it still isn’t good enough. (I’m living in a forest and it’s rainy season.) Have to do something about that. Susan Elliott’s post on lighting for stitching made me super-aware of my need for better lighting. Here’s my temporary stitching post:

I roll my desk chair over to the Table Mate and voila.

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